Fuzzy abstract thoughts on information exchange

The way in which my brother and I could relate to each other in our own way always amazed me. The vibes we give out are somehow translated and discreetly or unknowingly acknowledged by each other. We both know each others moves, but at the same time we also acknowledge that we can be unpredictable due to the very fact that we know that each of us know what we are about to do next.

It surprised me when I saw that my brother decided to blog just 2-3 weeks after I started blogging. He unlike me was eager to showcase his thoughts to all and getting their feedback. All his entries conveyed something strong and thoughtful, yet simple effortless for the reader. (http://sabith.wordpress.com/)

I attempted to super impose the Johari Window model to articulate the information exchange between my brother and me which is something like:

I know; bro knows
I know; bro don’t know
I don’t know; bro know
I don’t know; bro don’t know

But this didn’t make sense as I am not aware of what I don’t know which make the 3rd and 4th points irrelevant.

The information exchange in my case follows a lot more complex path with a lot of additional conditions.

For instance, I feel that there is a part of me which I haven’t yet exposed to him, but I know that he knows I have not shown him something and has an idea of what I am capable of. He doesn’t push me to expose that part to me because he knows that it would be futile. There are also times when I explicitly don’t give out information that I want to share with him, rather lead him to it indirectly.

Now, when you come right down to it, I have kept this space under wraps because I am not yet ready to expose this facet of myself. At this point of time I am simply not ready to be judged.

Right now I write this as an outlet to my mind, which until now was reveling in the thought that it found a person who can read it all without a word being said. My streams of thought always found the ocean. It's just that the streams now take a different path, but it will definitely fuse with the ocean..

Worth

This is a forward I got. Reading this, I felt like this was actually reaching out to me giving me the boost that I have been yearning for..I feel good everytime I read this...

WORTH
Horror gripped the heart of a World War-I soldier, as he saw his lifelong friend fall in battle. The soldier asked his Lieutenant if he could go out to bring his fallen comrade back. "You can go," said the Lieutenant," but don't think it will be worth it.Your friend is probably dead and you may throw your life away." "The Lieutenant's words didn't matter, and the soldier went anyway.
Miraculously, he managed to reach his friend, hoisted him onto his shoulder and brought him back to their company's trench. The officer checked the wounded soldier, then looked kindly at his friend.
"I told you it wouldn't be worth it," he said. "Your friend is dead and you are mortally wounded." "It was worth it, Sir," said the soldier. "What do you mean by worth it?" responded the Lieutenant. "Your friend is dead."

"Yes Sir," the soldier answered, "but it was worth it because when I got to him, he was still alive and I had the satisfaction of hearing him say....
"Jim...I knew you'd come."

MORAL

Many times in life, whether a thing is worth doing or not, really depends on how u look at it.
Take up all your courage and do something your heart tells you to do so that you may not regret not doing it later in your life........

1 or 2 alone is sufficient; both are required; data insufficient

I have come to realize that I haven’t joked about anything with my family for a long time. Some mildly witty one-liners or sarcasm is all that I have shared with family. I am known as the quiet guy to my family and all who know me through my family members. If I were to look at me as one of my family members, I am not a person who makes funny imitations, crack jokes and laugh hard, talk or act silly, talk endlessly, spontaneous, kiss hug or cry when I feel happy or sad. I am this quiet observant person, who can also have conversations by just uttering “aaaa” or “ooooo”. In fact some sense of awkwardness creeps in when I am in situations where I am required to express myself emotionally.

On the flipside I am the quiet opposite of all this to people outside my family, may be not the kissing or crying part but otherwise I am not seen as a ‘closed to myself’ kind of guy at all.

I want to be that kind of guy with family too, but during the moment of reality, I go inside my shell. The ‘funny me’ has only been momentarily released when I am high. When high, I have been funny, argued, even engaged in fairly lengthy debates and conversations with my dad with whom my average conversation time is under 20 seconds.

So what can I conclude? Am I actually a warm guy putting on a ‘closed guy’ mask or the other way round? Or I actually have 2 personalities which are both real?

My family is cool about me and accepts me for what I am to them i.e. the ‘serious guy’. But am I forced to be like that because that’s how they expect me to behave because that’s the only way they have seen me? If I am any different, they’ll think I am trying to be someone else and not being myself or real. The only instance they can accept me being the ‘funny guy’ is when I am high, under this mask I can always attribute my behavior to me being high.

The situation gets a bit complicated when I am in the company of one or more of my family members and the other people who know me. I can’t act out both roles at the same time and I got to make a choice where I most often choose the ‘serious guy’. My family won’t find anything out of place but others notice the disturbance in the ‘force’. I let them assume this change being mainly due to my respect to my folks. These situations are often very strenuous on me and I sometimes tend to leave an uncomfortable vibe with my family member/s.

I don’t want to wear the ‘serious guy’ mask. I am the youngest and I have outmost respect to all in my family but I want the courage to ask for a hug when I am filled with joy or sorrow, I wanna be silly and jump around crazy like I do outside. I wanna talk about nothing to my dad for at least 10 minutes. I don’t want to feel awkward doing all this, not with my very own blood.

There was a time when I was in love, when I started caring less about projecting my ‘serious guy’ image, crackling and feeling less awkward to do what I feel like with my kin. If I can express myself to the girl I love, I most definitely can do the same with family. The chemicals released during this point of time must have been similar to the ones released when I am high…hehe..

I don’t care if I am actually the ‘serious guy’ my family knows and just posing as a warm guy to the world. What I want is to show my heart to my loved ones, mask or no mask.

Spell check evader specialist

Putting your thoughts into words is a gift in itself and I have somehow been conned off this gift. There are times when I write something completely different from what’s in my mind. I am very bad with spellings but it so happens that these words which have nothing to do with what I intend to write come out with perfect spellings, thus evading the spell-check system, a system which I for me holds a position only next to the entry of man into space. What makes it worse is that I almost always identify the error after I have pressed the sent/submit button. Even if I double check what I have written, the blunders hide themselves as if they get some sadistic pleasure seeing the dumb agony of my face after they unveil themselves after the irreversible sequence of sending/submitting is completed. I sit wanting to scream out loud to the people who are about to read it saying it wasn’t me, my keyboard has got a problem. I am not that bad as you think I am in sentence formations. boohoo…

In my last post I wrote:
“…I enjoyed it, now I now realize that though I appreciated it, I was blind…”

I actually meant
“…I enjoyed it, but I now realize that though I appreciated it, I was blind…”

I am not going to publish all the instances; I am not in a confession chamber. When I submit this, I might again have to glare at those creepy words or phrases smirk at me, but I feel better now. I have somehow managed to put the blame on unknown evil powers working against me than admit my incompetence. Hehe aaah feels so good.

"Dying In The Sun"

Do you remember
The things we used to say?
I feel so nervous
When I think of yesterday

How could I let things
Get to me so bad?
How did I let things get to me?
Like dying in the sun

I never understood the meaning of this song. It actually sounded very absurd. My logical senses kicked in. What’s 'dying in the sun'? You are sweating already and then you die? or its bad enough that you are not under the shade of cool trees or chilling in your air conditioned room, now you are dying too?? I was made to understand the view point of this song. It was beautiful. I enjoyed it, now I now realize that though I appreciated it, I was blind to the full spectrum of the meaning in the lines. I read these lines today and tada! I saw it. I was surprised, it was as if the words decided to open themselves and made me experience what the lines wanted to convey. Ignorance might be bliss but enlightenment is euphoric…

The green fairy

Addiction...

You brought me cheers when I was feeling down
Clinging on like we were never to be departed
We partied hard and shook up the town
Getting so high, which until now seemed uncharted

Your very presence makes my heart pound
Luring me to indulge till my senses go numb
Your taste sets fireworks and whirls me around
Logic losing to irrationality, to which I willfully succumb

What happened to you, why have you changed?
Don’t you now see the dreams we exchanged
You left and now I want you more
This craving is hard to just ignore
Why can't you share just a little bit of you
Without you I just feel so blue
Let’s keep in touch, there are options to explore
This abstinence only makes me want you more