1 or 2 alone is sufficient; both are required; data insufficient

I have come to realize that I haven’t joked about anything with my family for a long time. Some mildly witty one-liners or sarcasm is all that I have shared with family. I am known as the quiet guy to my family and all who know me through my family members. If I were to look at me as one of my family members, I am not a person who makes funny imitations, crack jokes and laugh hard, talk or act silly, talk endlessly, spontaneous, kiss hug or cry when I feel happy or sad. I am this quiet observant person, who can also have conversations by just uttering “aaaa” or “ooooo”. In fact some sense of awkwardness creeps in when I am in situations where I am required to express myself emotionally.

On the flipside I am the quiet opposite of all this to people outside my family, may be not the kissing or crying part but otherwise I am not seen as a ‘closed to myself’ kind of guy at all.

I want to be that kind of guy with family too, but during the moment of reality, I go inside my shell. The ‘funny me’ has only been momentarily released when I am high. When high, I have been funny, argued, even engaged in fairly lengthy debates and conversations with my dad with whom my average conversation time is under 20 seconds.

So what can I conclude? Am I actually a warm guy putting on a ‘closed guy’ mask or the other way round? Or I actually have 2 personalities which are both real?

My family is cool about me and accepts me for what I am to them i.e. the ‘serious guy’. But am I forced to be like that because that’s how they expect me to behave because that’s the only way they have seen me? If I am any different, they’ll think I am trying to be someone else and not being myself or real. The only instance they can accept me being the ‘funny guy’ is when I am high, under this mask I can always attribute my behavior to me being high.

The situation gets a bit complicated when I am in the company of one or more of my family members and the other people who know me. I can’t act out both roles at the same time and I got to make a choice where I most often choose the ‘serious guy’. My family won’t find anything out of place but others notice the disturbance in the ‘force’. I let them assume this change being mainly due to my respect to my folks. These situations are often very strenuous on me and I sometimes tend to leave an uncomfortable vibe with my family member/s.

I don’t want to wear the ‘serious guy’ mask. I am the youngest and I have outmost respect to all in my family but I want the courage to ask for a hug when I am filled with joy or sorrow, I wanna be silly and jump around crazy like I do outside. I wanna talk about nothing to my dad for at least 10 minutes. I don’t want to feel awkward doing all this, not with my very own blood.

There was a time when I was in love, when I started caring less about projecting my ‘serious guy’ image, crackling and feeling less awkward to do what I feel like with my kin. If I can express myself to the girl I love, I most definitely can do the same with family. The chemicals released during this point of time must have been similar to the ones released when I am high…hehe..

I don’t care if I am actually the ‘serious guy’ my family knows and just posing as a warm guy to the world. What I want is to show my heart to my loved ones, mask or no mask.